Time to Talk

Busy moms, for the last couple of weeks the key word in my house has been communication, especially my with tween. 

It's typical. She would be content with texting me her thoughts and feelings and only then when neccessary. 

But as parents it is our job to teach our children to use their words. Words are powerful. They start wars, end conflicts, break hearts, mend feelings, and provide release. And if any of you have ever posted to Facebook, texted, emailed, or written a letter that wasn't received as intended, you know how important verbal communication is. 

In this age of technology, face to face communication is becoming less and less a requirement. So, at the same time people are becoming less and less connected. That is because technology is not personal. Therefore, it does not aid our children in personal communication. 

So, in navigating my way through communicating with my children, I've gathered a few helpful tidbits along the way. 

1.)  Choose the right time

Timing is important. Don't have a heartfelt or important conversation while your child is distracted by something else, like TV or siblings. They'll hear you, but they won't be actively LISTENING to you. First remove distractions and then engage in conversation.  Also, don't begin indepth discussions at times when you will feel rushed or distracted. If you do, you'll be the one that's tuned out. Not a good message to send to your kid. And if you can avoid it, try not to have upsetting conversations right before school. It can have a negative impact on their entire day. 

2.)  Location, location, location

Opportunities to communicate can take place in a variety of locations. Still, the where is important. Try not to communicated about sensitive or embarrassing topics in front of others. Children, especially teenagers, will be reluctant to talk if they fear they are being judged by others. It also helps if the location has a light hearted tone. We are all more likely to open up when we are comfortable. So, ideal places are the car, at the park, at home in a cozy couch, laying in the trampoline while looking at the stars. It's pretty wide open. 

3.)  If you want to hear it, often times, you need to ask. 

Most children don't just offer up information... Well, at least not the information you are looking for. In most cases, you'll have to ask. Be specific. Children will answer the question you asked, not the question you meant to ask. "Did you ask your friend's mom of you could stay?" May receive a yes response from your child even if they asked the other parent via text with no reply.  Instead ask "What did your friend's mom say when you asked permission to stay over." Children, like adults, are not above omitting information that is unfavorable. Ask thoughtfully. 

4.)  Keep it age appropriate 

This one seems easy enough. I'm just mentioning it because my kids can get pretty deep rather unexpectedly. We've gotten into discussions of death and dying seemingly out of the blue. My main point is you don't have to answer every question or go to far in depth. Say what's needed at the time and let it settle. It's better to let them form their understanding of complex or mature topics overtime than be overwhelmed by the raw truth too early. However, there will come a time for the tough stuff and when it does, you have to treat it maturely. That's the time you have to make sure you don't water it down too much or sugar coat it. 

5.)  Ask for clarification

While having these heart to hearts, it's important that you ask questions. Questioning plays three important roles. The first is the most odvious. When you ask questions you can clear up misunderstandings you may have about what your child is saying. Additionally, you may help your child better formulate their own thoughts if you ask the right questions. Say things like, "How does that make you feel?" "Why did you react that way?" "What are you thinking right now?" Avoid yes or no questions because they don't promote conversation. And lastly, asking questions shows your child that you are listening to what they have to say and you care about understanding them. 

6.) Be reassuring

Communicating may feel like dental extraction for some children, especially when talking about embarrassing issues or times they've done something wrong. Do your best to be positive and reassuring. Let them know you care about them and that is why you are talking. You can help and understand. And let them know, there may be consequences but your conversation may lessen them or make the situation better in other ways. Doing this will encourage your child to continue to talk to you and open up. And trust me, as they approach those teenage years, you'll want them to talk to you as much as they can about whatever you can get out. 

Now parents, with all that said, the most important thing is to just start talking. It will bring you closer as a family and give everyone a voice. That's what I call a parental win. 

Everything I need to know, I learned in basic training

1.) Amry Strong- 

In the Army, you are only as strong as your weakest team member. If one person was down, it left everyone else was vulnerable. So, it was up to you to pick that person up, build them up, help them to rise to the occasion.

It is the same in our families. If one of us is down (depressed, hurt, overwhelmed), everyone else is more vulnerable (to emotional outbursts, loneliness, and depression). When we lift up those who are down, it strengthens us all. 

2) YOU can do it-

Obstacle courses, drill sergeants, lack of sleep, family seperation, physical training... Were all things to either overcome, accomplish, or endure. At times it many have seemed impossible, but in the end you were victorious. 

When it comes to your family life, realize anything that is meant to be yours can be obtained.  Any door meant for you can be opened. But you must fight. You must build your mental strength and endurance. And then you must do it. 

3) Always have a Battle Buddy-

In basic training on training exercises, I walking around post, and every where we went, we always had to have our battle buddy with us. You were to always have your battle buddy's back and they were to have yours. 

As parents, we all need a battle buddy.

Whether it's a spouse, a sibling, or a best friend, we all need someone who is going to have our back at every turn. Someone who will drag you out of the devastation and the chaos when you are too wounded to make it on your own. 

4) Point your "weapon" down range-

During basic, we'd go the the firing range to practice aiming and firing our weapons at targets from various distances. One of the very first things they thought you, well before you ever received a live round, was to point your weapon down range. Why, you may ask. To keep you from shooting your battle buddy, the people standing by your side. 

So, as parents, we need to point our weapons down range. If we are angry at work, a spouse, a friend, or even ourselves, we need to be careful not to aim our frustrations at unintended targets, our children. Friendly fire is not at all friendly. Don't shoot your children down with harsh words or unwarranted silence. Take a time out if you need to but come back to your children and realize they are on your side. 

5) You Are A Protector-

I'll pulled countless guard duties, fire guard duty, perimeter guard duty,... Up in the middle of the night on the middle of the woods kind of duty. Their was always someone on guard duty, someone watching out to warn us of a possible threat. 

That's a parent. Sleeping light. Listening for that cry or cough. Watching the clock at curfew, watching the friends our children choose. We must be watchful. The workd we live in is a beautiful place, but there are dark pockets. It is our job to protect our children within reason. Allow them to grow while cherishing the safety of their mind, body, and spirit.