It's typical. She would be content with texting me her thoughts and feelings and only then when neccessary.
But as parents it is our job to teach our children to use their words. Words are powerful. They start wars, end conflicts, break hearts, mend feelings, and provide release. And if any of you have ever posted to Facebook, texted, emailed, or written a letter that wasn't received as intended, you know how important verbal communication is.
In this age of technology, face to face communication is becoming less and less a requirement. So, at the same time people are becoming less and less connected. That is because technology is not personal. Therefore, it does not aid our children in personal communication.
So, in navigating my way through communicating with my children, I've gathered a few helpful tidbits along the way.
1.) Choose the right time
Timing is important. Don't have a heartfelt or important conversation while your child is distracted by something else, like TV or siblings. They'll hear you, but they won't be actively LISTENING to you. First remove distractions and then engage in conversation. Also, don't begin indepth discussions at times when you will feel rushed or distracted. If you do, you'll be the one that's tuned out. Not a good message to send to your kid. And if you can avoid it, try not to have upsetting conversations right before school. It can have a negative impact on their entire day.
2.) Location, location, location
Opportunities to communicate can take place in a variety of locations. Still, the where is important. Try not to communicated about sensitive or embarrassing topics in front of others. Children, especially teenagers, will be reluctant to talk if they fear they are being judged by others. It also helps if the location has a light hearted tone. We are all more likely to open up when we are comfortable. So, ideal places are the car, at the park, at home in a cozy couch, laying in the trampoline while looking at the stars. It's pretty wide open.
3.) If you want to hear it, often times, you need to ask.
Most children don't just offer up information... Well, at least not the information you are looking for. In most cases, you'll have to ask. Be specific. Children will answer the question you asked, not the question you meant to ask. "Did you ask your friend's mom of you could stay?" May receive a yes response from your child even if they asked the other parent via text with no reply. Instead ask "What did your friend's mom say when you asked permission to stay over." Children, like adults, are not above omitting information that is unfavorable. Ask thoughtfully.
4.) Keep it age appropriate
This one seems easy enough. I'm just mentioning it because my kids can get pretty deep rather unexpectedly. We've gotten into discussions of death and dying seemingly out of the blue. My main point is you don't have to answer every question or go to far in depth. Say what's needed at the time and let it settle. It's better to let them form their understanding of complex or mature topics overtime than be overwhelmed by the raw truth too early. However, there will come a time for the tough stuff and when it does, you have to treat it maturely. That's the time you have to make sure you don't water it down too much or sugar coat it.
5.) Ask for clarification
While having these heart to hearts, it's important that you ask questions. Questioning plays three important roles. The first is the most odvious. When you ask questions you can clear up misunderstandings you may have about what your child is saying. Additionally, you may help your child better formulate their own thoughts if you ask the right questions. Say things like, "How does that make you feel?" "Why did you react that way?" "What are you thinking right now?" Avoid yes or no questions because they don't promote conversation. And lastly, asking questions shows your child that you are listening to what they have to say and you care about understanding them.
6.) Be reassuring
Communicating may feel like dental extraction for some children, especially when talking about embarrassing issues or times they've done something wrong. Do your best to be positive and reassuring. Let them know you care about them and that is why you are talking. You can help and understand. And let them know, there may be consequences but your conversation may lessen them or make the situation better in other ways. Doing this will encourage your child to continue to talk to you and open up. And trust me, as they approach those teenage years, you'll want them to talk to you as much as they can about whatever you can get out.
Now parents, with all that said, the most important thing is to just start talking. It will bring you closer as a family and give everyone a voice. That's what I call a parental win.
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